snack

Hey Mike! Are you ready? Are you ready? 

So what are we doing today, Mike? Huh? What are we doing? Going on the hunt? Knocking some heads? Making some headlines? I can see it all now, we're gonna be a famous duo, like Batman and Robin. Two hunters on the prowl, Crazy Mike and his sidekick, Jumping Julius. CM and JJ, fighting crime and keeping it real.  Mike and Julius, the coolest cats in town. Big Mike and the J-ster, taking it back to the styles. It's gonna be awesome!

So what's the plan, Mike? Huh? What's the plan? 

I'm ready to go, I been training, I got ninja moves! 

Like watch this new move I made, Mike! I call it The Snack. 

Stands for sneak attack! Get it? Get it? 

Hey, where you going Mike? Huh? Where you going? Hey, wait up Mike! 

plastic

Wow, I can't believe you actually agreed to go on a date with me! So what movie do you feel like?

...

Thor? 

...

Fast Five? 

...

The new Pirates movie?

...

You don't say much, do you ?

...

That's okay, I dig the whole quiet, beautiful girl with a mystery thing. I'm actually kind of a strong silent type myself.

...

You, uh... really don't say much, huh? 

...

You're so beautiful. You're, like, perfect. Really, really perfect.

...

Uh, you haven't had any work done, have you?

...

What?!? You're all plastic? Like, everything? I mean, everything? I don't know if I'm okay with that.

...

porcupine

did you know? porcupines are chubby. they are too big to be cute, but not big enough to be scary. also they have lots of long spiky spines on their butts that make it hard to sit down.

sometimes, i wish i were a hedgehog.

charred

It's George!

What's he saying?

I can't quite make it out... it sounds like... charge?

What did you say?

Charge! 

Okay guys, that's the signal! CHARRRRRGE!!!

OH NO!!! DRAGON!! Retreat, retreat!!! 

WTH George! You could have warned us about the dragon!

I Did! I said I got charred!!!

fuzz

Jane crept down the sidewalk, mumbling a piece of coffee cake from the corner cafe. The little blonde girl who closed down at night always left her something nice on the back step. Sometimes it was day old pastries, or a broken cookie. Once she'd left an entire slice of chocolate raspberry cake. Jane had saved it, eating just a little piece of it each day, making it last as long as she could. And there was always a cup of coffee, still warm if she was lucky. It was her first stop of the night.

Sidling up to the window of a candy store two blocks down, Jane slipped between the bars of the gating and jiggled the window pane she'd worked to loosened over the past week. Setting the glass gently down on the concrete, she clambered over the sill and into the darkened shop beyond. She flitted between the shelves loaded with candy, moving toward the back shelf where streetlight glinted off beady glass eyes. There were solemn bears with incongruous hot pink bows, giraffes and ducks and myriads of kittens and puppies.  She greeted them each in turn. Which to rescue? Moving up and down along the shelf uncertainly, she stared into each furry face before finally settling on a staid old gentleman bear whose bowler hat was perched rakishly over one ear. 

Fingering the fuzz on his nose, Jane whispered to him of freedom from oppression, of the role that awaited him in the resistance, as she climbed out the window, pushing the glass pane back into place. Scuttling down the street, she ducked as a car swept by, hiding her face from the lights. A siren sounded in the distance, and she scurried faster, at last reaching the corner cafe and turning sharply into the alley behind it. Hurrying to the far corner of the blind alley, she crawled behind the dumpster into a narrowed out space between two buildings. With a happy chirp, she turned on the flashlight she'd hung from a bent nail sticking out of the wall, casting light onto the silent host of animals crowding every spare nook and corner of the tiny space.

"Everyone, this is Fuzz. He's very tired from the escape, but he's safe now with us. What's that Ellen? No, don't worry, there are militia everywhere, but I made sure we weren't followed. For now we should just lay low until they've given up for the night. We'll go on another recon tomorrow."

Chris tossed the last few dishes in the washer and swiped at the counter with the dishrag. "I'm out, Janie. Don't forget to lock up on your way out. And don't let Dot catch you leaving stuff out for that crazy or she'll fire you yesterday."

"I know. I just want don't want her to starve, you know?" Janie emptied the last pot of coffee into a cup and grabbed a blueberry muffin from the counter. Swinging the trash bags over her shoulder, she walked out the back and set the coffee and muffin on the step before locking the door. Her mother honked, waiting out front in their blue Datsun, and she dropped the bags into the dumpster on her way to the car. 

"How was work, baby?" 

"Long. How come you're driving daddy's car today?" Janie pulled Reginald into her lap, stroking his pink fuzzy nose as she rummaged through the glove compartment for a stick of gum. She frowned as a picture of a girl in a pink jumpsuit clutching a faded blue teddy bear fell out onto her lap. "Who's this?"

"Oh, that's your grandmother. Your dad's mother."

"I never knew I had another grandma! I thought it was just Gramma Amy."

"Well you've never met her. She was a photojournalist. She went missing somewhere in the Middle East when your dad was still young. I hear she used to collect stuffed animals too. You're named after her, actually."

crinkle

Katie grinned when she opened her pink plastic lunchbox. Grandma Kate's crinkle cookies were her favorite! She carefully set them to one side and unwrapped the tuna sandwich, kicking her feet happily as she munched on it. She squeezed the last few drops out of her juice box and reached for the baggy of cookies, pulled out just one and broke off a small piece. They were perfect, as usual, crispy, dusty outside and gooey on the inside. She popped the piece into her mouth and licked powdered sugar off her fingertips. 

"Hey, Crinkleface! Did you just eat one of my cookies?" She looked up just in time to see Mary's chubby paw snatching the baggy of cookies. 

"No, please! Give them back! I promise I'll give you the rest of my desserts for a whole week, just give back my crinkle cookies!" Katie reached for the baggy, dangling from Mary's hand as she stuffed two cookies into her mouth at once.

"Eeuck, these aren't even good!" Mary spat a mouthful of chewed cookie onto Katie's dress and dropped the rest on the floor, grinding them flat with her heel. She shoved Katie to the lunch room floor "Tomorrow's cookies had better be good, or else!"

Katie moped her way through the rest of the day, even through Math class, her favorite. She moped during recess and on the bus. She moped all the way home, too sad to notice the ambulance parked in front of the house, or that the front door was ajar, until she walked into the living room full of people. "Mommy? Are we having company? Where's Grandma?"

"Oh, honey," her mother picked her up. "Grandma Kate's gone." 

"Oh. When is she coming back? Mommy, why are you crying?

head cheese

Aaaaand, here we are live from Janesville, Wisconsin, where we are following what is now the last day of the Wisconsin Miss Piggy Pageant. There has been some fierce competition so far, and we can only expect tensions to rise as today goes on. Who do you have your money on, Rick? 

Well, Amelia, I have to say, there have been some upsets! Of course Miss Wisconsin is the favorite. She has the home team advantage, having grown up pitching hay and mucking out pigsties on her daddy's farm right here in Janesville. I would have thought Minnesota and Iowa would have lasted further than the second day, but it was not a shocker to see New York drop out during the hogtie in the first round. 

You're right, Rick, I don't know if I was more embarrassed for her when she face-planted in the manure, or when that piglet ran up her skirt! But I have to say, the real surprise has been Miss Hawaii. She looks so dainty and yet she handled the hogtie, the sty cleaning, and even the butchering like a pro.

Well, Amy, can I call you Amy? With only three contestants left in the running, it all comes down to the final surprise event today. And here is last year's winner of the Miss Piggy Pageant, Miss Judy Boar from Idaho, to unveil the final event, and it looks like... Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the final event of this year's Miss Piggy Pageant is preparing head cheese!

Now what exactly is head cheese, Rick? I've seen it at the deli and always been afraid to try it, but- ugh, what is that they're bringing out? Pig's heads?!

That's right Amy, head cheese is not a cheese! It is actually a meat jelly made from boiling a pig's head and then combining the resulting congealed gelatin with the flesh from the pig's head. 

That is... I think I'm going to be sick just from the description! 

Aaand, they're off! Miss Wisconsin is taking the lead, cutting the flesh from the pig's face. Miss Hawaii is a close second, and oh! It looks like Miss Virginia is unable to continue. Medics are leading her off the stage before she vomits on the meat. We are down to our two final contestants. Miss Hawaii is pulling ahead, already done pulling the brains and eyeballs out and cutting off the ears, she is now boiling water to prepare the jelly. Miss Wisconsin is slowing down, it looks like she's gotten the brains cleared out but is stalling on the eyeballs, and... oh no! Miss Wisconsin has backed away from the table! It seems she just can't bring herself to rip out the eyes. And it looks like we have a winner! Miss Hawaii is Miss Piggy 2011!!!

 Rick? Rick? Are you... oh, that is just great. Seriously? You just had to throw up on my Louboutins. 

seriously though. i want a pair of louboutins.

Desert survival tip #41
A lampshade makes a good visor.

lamp shade?

Genie? I'm ready for my third wish!
It's no use Al, there're no wishes left in this lamp - it's a shade of the lamp it used to be.

lampshade

“Hey, Luke! This is the last- eww!” A family of silverfish skittered away from the overturned box, disappearing beneath the scattered contents and settling dust. Andy attacked the bugs with a handful of kleenex, turning over a stale packet of menthol lights and a worn leather wallet.

She shook a squirming thing out of the pages of a notepad, knocking over the miniature lamp still sitting in the box. She paused, tracing the well-worn inscription engraved along the base of the lamp. The letters were illegible, blurred through the years, but she’d long since memorized them. For you, kiddo. ~S.

“Baby, come on, yard sales are for getting rid of crap, not keeping it.” Luke frowned at the mess on the floor as he walked in from the garage.

“Just give me a se…minute.” She tried to shove him out the door, holding the lamp behind her.

“You still have that? Seriously, Andy, it’s time to forget about him. Our entire families are flying in for a wedding. Ours. Next week.”

“I know, I know, I just forgot I had it. Honest! See?” The lamp slipped from her fingers and smashed into the linoleum. “All gone.” She grinned at him.

“Cheeky to the end.” He shook his head and walked back out.

 Andy made a face and muttered under her breath as she bent to sweep up the lamp shards. “Meh meh meh! Look at me! I’m Luke!”  She snagged the lampshade to catch the debris and stopped, eyes widening, as something scrawled just inside the rim caught the sunlight slanting in through the blinds.

* * *

“Uh, hey is this for sale?” Luke glanced at the mismatched chess set. “Let me check real quick. Andy? Are we selling this?” … “Hang on a sec.” He walked back into the house. “Andy?” He frowned as he scanned the room. Closet, mess, broken lamp, note on the desk, no Andy. No Andy? He read the note. Sorry Luke, it has to be Sam after all. Don’t hate me. ~Andy. He blinked. The scribbled words in the upturned lampshade winked up at him from the floor. Love you, maybe. ~S.

Team Luke!

Team Sam!

pizza

greasy cheesy pizza
i didn't even want you
i wish i were an octopus
so i could undo eating you

stupid john lee. stop buying pizza!

coffee

i like coffee. i like watching dark streamlets of espresso dribbling into a waiting shot glass, to be tipped into a steaming cup of frothy white milk. i like wrapping my hands around it and letting its heat suffuse into my fingers through the thin paper sleeve. i like letting the first humid whiff of it curl up to engulf my face and fill my lungs with its sweet, seductive aroma. and as i walk away, i like the thump of the handle against the counter as someone knocks the used grounds  into the trash.

how do you explain what coffee smells like?!