head cheese

Aaaaand, here we are live from Janesville, Wisconsin, where we are following what is now the last day of the Wisconsin Miss Piggy Pageant. There has been some fierce competition so far, and we can only expect tensions to rise as today goes on. Who do you have your money on, Rick? 

Well, Amelia, I have to say, there have been some upsets! Of course Miss Wisconsin is the favorite. She has the home team advantage, having grown up pitching hay and mucking out pigsties on her daddy's farm right here in Janesville. I would have thought Minnesota and Iowa would have lasted further than the second day, but it was not a shocker to see New York drop out during the hogtie in the first round. 

You're right, Rick, I don't know if I was more embarrassed for her when she face-planted in the manure, or when that piglet ran up her skirt! But I have to say, the real surprise has been Miss Hawaii. She looks so dainty and yet she handled the hogtie, the sty cleaning, and even the butchering like a pro.

Well, Amy, can I call you Amy? With only three contestants left in the running, it all comes down to the final surprise event today. And here is last year's winner of the Miss Piggy Pageant, Miss Judy Boar from Idaho, to unveil the final event, and it looks like... Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the final event of this year's Miss Piggy Pageant is preparing head cheese!

Now what exactly is head cheese, Rick? I've seen it at the deli and always been afraid to try it, but- ugh, what is that they're bringing out? Pig's heads?!

That's right Amy, head cheese is not a cheese! It is actually a meat jelly made from boiling a pig's head and then combining the resulting congealed gelatin with the flesh from the pig's head. 

That is... I think I'm going to be sick just from the description! 

Aaand, they're off! Miss Wisconsin is taking the lead, cutting the flesh from the pig's face. Miss Hawaii is a close second, and oh! It looks like Miss Virginia is unable to continue. Medics are leading her off the stage before she vomits on the meat. We are down to our two final contestants. Miss Hawaii is pulling ahead, already done pulling the brains and eyeballs out and cutting off the ears, she is now boiling water to prepare the jelly. Miss Wisconsin is slowing down, it looks like she's gotten the brains cleared out but is stalling on the eyeballs, and... oh no! Miss Wisconsin has backed away from the table! It seems she just can't bring herself to rip out the eyes. And it looks like we have a winner! Miss Hawaii is Miss Piggy 2011!!!

 Rick? Rick? Are you... oh, that is just great. Seriously? You just had to throw up on my Louboutins.